We Deserve Some Respect!
by FanofBellaandEdward
Summary: Naruto and Deidara both demand respect from their respective Uchiha. They also can't hold their liquor or keep their big mouths shut. That's bound to have some interesting results. Various pov's, but mostly Naruto's; crack fic; foul language; more warnings inside


**Author's note: This was a random idea that popped up in my head and wouldn't leave me alone, so I figured why not? This is not to be taken serious at all.**

 **Like, just don't. LMAO My attempt at a Naruto crack fic; it's just plain ridiculous.**

 **Warnings: Mixed povs: mostly Naruto, but also a bit of Sasuke's and Itachi's pov at the end; utter and complete crack; gratuitous use of foul language thanks to our two lovely blonds; set somewhere after Gaara's rescue, but no specific timeline, because well, it's a crack fic. Implied slash, because well, it's Naruto and Sasuke**

 **Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Kishimoto owns it.**

 **I hope you'll like it - or at least think it's a little bit funny!**

* * *

 **We Deserve Some Respect!**

 _Again._

Once again he had encountered that damn bastard. Once more he had attempted to talk to him, to punch some fucking sense into that arsehole – because for a supposed genius, he was being goddamn stupid with the whole staying with that creepy snake thing, who was only out to possess his body and ew, the mental image that thought produced was too disgusting, go away, leave! – and again he had rebuffed him!

At least he had got some good punches in this time, but it would have been way better if he had been able to take him back to the village.

Because then he would have his best friend back, he wouldn't have to worry about Orochimaru taking over Sasuke's body, and everything, everything …

"Another one!" he slurred, pushing his empty glass to the pretty bartender.

She raised an eyebrow; her sharp brown eyes studying his slumped form over the bar sceptically before she shrugged and filled his glass again.

He narrowed his eyes and picked up the glass, looking at the amber coloured liquid for a few seconds before he knocked it back. The burning sensation erupting in his throat had him licking his throat and pushing his glass once more to the girl.

Talking about stupid – he probably wasn't being smart either. After their latest failed attempt at trying to convince Sasuke to come back – and stop being such a stubborn dickhead, damn it! – Naruto had parted from his team on the way back to Konoha and had entered this dingy bar at the side of the road. Sakura had attempted to stop him while Yamato-sensei had lectured him about safety and all that crap while Sai had been musing some kind of bullshit about drowning one's sorrows, but he hadn't listened to either one of them.

He needed to forget this latest fiasco for just a little while and what better way than numbing his brain with alcohol? He still couldn't understand what Ero-sensei actually liked about this foul and sharp tasting stuff, but he had to admit: it was doing a pretty good job in numbing his senses.

Sakura was probably going to punch his lights out when he was back in Konoha, though. He winced and rubbed the back of his head, already imagining the lump that would no doubt grew to the size of a freaking egg once she got her hands on him.

Maybe he should quit before he got too drunk and make his way back.

…

Eh, nah. He still needed a bit more to handle the latest disappointment that tasted so bitter, so, so bitter …

Like this sake actually.

Sasuke would probably like sake; it was as bitter as his soul.

Naruto snorted and waggled his empty glass in the air, attracting the barmaid's attention once more.

She halted in front of him and crossed her arms in front of her chest. "Don't you think you've had enough?" she asked unimpressed, flicking her dark red bangs back with a careless swipe of her hand.

He squinted and pursed his lips. "Nope." He waggled his glass again.

She pressed her lips together and shifted her weight from one leg to the other; the rose crystal right above her breasts catching the light.

"Got money," he muttered, pouting harder.

She rolled her eyes and sighed loudly but snatched his glass from him. "If you die, it's your own damn fault," she told him bluntly before filling his glass and shoving it rudely back to him.

Ah, her demeanour was just as sweet as that of the dark haired spawn of the devil who had slipped through his fingers – AGAIN!

"Fuck him," he muttered darkly, scowling down at his sake. Three years he had trained his arse off, all to get him back and this was what he got?!

Freaking ungrateful!

Someone sank down on the barstool next to him and barked out, "One sake!"

Blue eyes peeked at his right; his senses not yet dulled enough to not be on his guard for any potential danger. The first thing he saw was long, golden blond hair; a part of which had been pulled up in a high ponytail.

Hm, he thought he had seen that hairstyle before … Someone in Konoha perhaps?

The person next to him shifted and turned to look at him, sky blue eyes catching his own and his brain instantly made the connection; all his senses screaming DANGER, DANGER!

His own seat clattered to the floor when he shot off it and he pointed his finger at the man accusingly. "You!" he growled, but had to brace himself against the bar to avoid toppling over.

Hm, perhaps he had had more sake than he had thought.

Deidara – the Akatsuki member who had kidnapped Gaara and who he had fought against on his mission to rescue the Kazekage – raised an eyebrow, before clucking his tongue and waving his hand. The hand which had been attached to the arm he had lost during their fight, but which appeared to have been sewn back onto his body.

Actually now that Naruto took a better look, he realised the older blond had both his arms back.

"Calm down, un," Deidara groused; his face pinched in a sour look. "I'm not here to take you away, god."

"Why the hell should I trust you?" Naruto barked, eyeing him warily. Damn it, he should have known better than to go into this bar!

"Because I'm not in the mood, I don't have a new partner yet so trying to capture you would be a fucking stupid move on my part and frankly I don't give a shit about you at the moment, un," Deidara snapped, glowering at him. "I've had a shitty day so far, so all I want is to get drunk at the moment. What you do is up to you."

Naruto stood there, half slumped against the bar, for a while longer, watching how the rogue shinobi nursed his own glass of sake, all the while glaring at the wall in front of him.

Ah, fuck it. If he had wanted to attack, he would have done so already. Screw this, he was having another drink. Nobody else seemed concerned with the Akatsuki member being in their midst either.

Or maybe they were only dangerous for Jinchuuriki. Whatever.

"So, shitty day, huh? I haven't had the best day either," Naruto piped up morosely, shifting his half empty glass back and forth between his hands.

Deidara grunted, throwing back the rest of his sake before signalling he wanted another shot. "Yeah? Can it top being nearly killed by that stingy douchebag all because you wanted to know when you would get paid finally, un?"

Naruto paused and tilted his head up, staring at the ceiling bemused. Akatsuki got paid? Well, he supposed they had to get money somewhere to pay for their weapons and food and such. Made sense.

Nodding to himself, he replied, "Well, I had another chance to get my best friend back, but that bastard is being too stubborn and refuses to listen! Acted all high and mighty as usual while he's the one who's deep in the shit!" He slammed his glass down, scowling down at it.

Next to him Deidara snorted harshly. "I know a guy like that. Fucker doesn't even want to acknowledge my art, un," he said darkly. He gestured wildly to his left eye where he had that odd device plastered across his face. "Trained my eye intensively to defend myself against genjutsu, but do you think he respects me, un? No, he doesn't! That son of a bitch is basically a one trick pony with his genjutsu, but he has the nerve to act like he's better, like nobody can reach his level! I goddamn hate those eyes of his! He fucking cheats with having that fucking Sharingan, un! It gives him an unfair advantage and I - "

"Wait, Sharingan?" Naruto whipped his head around to stare wide eyed at the older man; his ear pricking at the mention of the Kekkei Genkai. "Which Uchiha are you talking about?"

Deidara frowned; the corners of his mouth pulling down in distaste. "I'm talking about _Uchiha Itachi_ , of course," he spat out the name as if it was something vile. "Who else would I be talking about, un?"

"My best friend is Uchiha Sasuke – Itachi's brother!" Naruto exclaimed, slamming his fist down at the wooden surface, making their glasses rattle. Another patron a bit further down glared at him, but he didn't pay him any mind. "He's the bastard who refuses to come back home! I just got into another fight with him, but the dickhead left again!"

Sky blue eyes squinted. "I think I've heard that name before," Deidara said slowly, thoughtfully tapping his finger against his chin. He snapped his fingers triumphantly. "Oh yeah, Uchiha mentions him sometimes. So he sucks as much as his brother does, un? Figures. Uchiha, man."

Naruto nodded vigorously. "I've trained for three years to get him back!" he stated and huffed, getting angry again. "I want to save his arse, but do you think he appreciates that? Do you think he stops to think for a moment and realise that his choices are fucked up and I just want to help him? But noooo! Of course he doesn't! Because he's Uchiha fucking Sasuke and he always knows best!" He kicked the bar, not even registering the pain in his throbbing toes, too pissed off at the man he called his best friend.

Some fucking best friend he was. So fucking ungrateful!

"I know, man," Deidara said in a commiserating voice. "Do you think his brother is any different? I thought he was, you know, when he came to enlist me, but he doesn't appreciate my art at all! Not even a smidgen! He thinks he's so much better, all because he has that bloody Sharingan! All I want is a bit of respect for my art, is that too much to ask, un?!"

"Exactly!" Naruto yelled, smacking his fist on the bar again before drinking the rest of his sake. "All I want is a bit of acknowledgement, but that bastard refuses to give it to me! We deserve respect, you know! Especially after everything we go through just for their ungrateful arses!"

"I agree!" Deidara crowed and huh, how many glasses had he drunk so far? His cheeks were growing quite red. "I've been improving my art ever since I got enlisted in Akatsuki! Hell, I even trained my damn left eye for him and do you think he appreciates that? No, no, he doesn't, because he's an arrogant, selfish, stuck up, little prick, un!"

"Don't get me started on Sasuke!" Naruto snapped, shaking his head and oh no, better stop that, before he would get too dizzy. "He's always been, like, the favourite of everyone, you know? Girls throw themselves at him and he's all like, hn. Can do everything perfectly and oh my god, does he annoy the hell out of me! I went away and trained for three years and I finally found him again and you know what I got as thanks? Him leaving again! After attacking Sakura-chan and Yamato-sensei," he added absentmindedly. "Not a very nice guy, you know? You'd think he'd be grateful that I'm looking out for him, but no! Bastard can't say more than a couple of lines before looking constipated, but he think he knows better!"

"Uchiha are selfish bastards," Deidara stated and nodded, patting Naruto's arm. "We don't need them, un. It's their loss for not realising how great we are!"

A part in the back of Naruto's mind registered how freaky it was to feel something wet touching his wrist – and oh yeah, the dude had mouths on his hands too, right, he had forgotten about that – but mostly he agreed with the older blond. "Right! They're the idiots for not realising how great we are! I'm going to kick his arse next time I see him, you just watch me!"

Deidara nodded, smacking his palm against the bar. "That's what I'm talking about! We don't need them to define us! We're great as we are! We're better than them, un!"

They grinned at each other, the both of them getting far past the point of being just drunk, and turned simultaneously to the barmaid.

"MORE SAKE!"

Akatsuki member or not, Naruto had found a kindred spirit in the older shinobi. He knew going to this bar had been a great idea!

* * *

Secluded in the corner of the bar, hidden by the shadows, sat two dark haired men. They were both listening with similar blank faces how the two blond men at the bar were cursing them out, throwing disparaging remarks left and right.

"That fucking idiot," Sasuke sighed, running a hand through his hair.

"Hm, sounds like you haven't been a good best friend to him, Sasuke," Itachi smirked; his hands resting neatly on his lap.

"I don't need to hear that crap from you," Sasuke snorted, turning his head to throw his older brother a foul glare. "You're not exactly being praised to heaven either, you know," he sneered.

Itachi sighed. "He never told me about it. How am I supposed to know that he's improving his 'art' for me if he doesn't tell me about it?" He shook his head in exasperation before side-eyeing the younger man next to him. "You, on the other hand, should have known better."

"He's just an annoying idiot," Sasuke muttered and scowled.

"Then why are you here, watching him?"

"Why are you here?"

"I asked first."

"Eugh, you're really going to be like that? Fine. I'm here because I was nearby and I wanted something to drink," Sasuke said annoyed, tapping his fingers on the table. He pursed his lips and after a pause added begrudgingly, "And to keep an eye on the idiot. Someone has to make sure he gets his drunk arse back home and I don't see any of his teammates around."

"Same reason here," Itachi said calmly and shrugged. "The leader will be utmost displeased if Deidara-kun were to get himself into trouble whilst being drunk."

"Just some recognition!" Naruto complained loudly, waving his hands in the air. "Should have punched him in his stupid, pretty face when I got the chance!"

"Eugh, don't talk to me about Uchiha being pretty, un," Deidara grimaced, shaking his head roughly. "It's ridiculous how good looking that son of a bitch is. Like, do they really need to have it all? It's fucking unfair, un!"

Sasuke and Itachi shared a look before turning their attention back to the blond shinobi fussing at the bar and generally making a fool out of themselves.

Sasuke slumped back against the wall with a sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "God, they're just fucking idiots. Why the hell do we bother with them?"

"Hn. Why indeed."

They both sat in contemplative silence for a while before Sasuke turned to his brother and narrowed his eyes. "The only reason why I'm not killing you right now is because someone needs to keep an eye on that idiot before he kills himself. Next time, you won't be so lucky."

Itachi hummed and hid his smirk behind his cup.

 _Keep telling yourself that, otouto._

* * *

When Naruto woke up the next day in his bed, his head was killing him and it took him a full hour to slip out of bed and come close to even feeling remotely human.

Eugh, he was never, ever drinking again. How the hell did Ero-sensei deal with this? This hangover really wasn't worth the temporary amnesia he had induced.

What had he even done yesterday? How had he got back home? He couldn't remember anything that had occurred after his sixth or seventh shot of sake. Why the hell hadn't that barmaid stopped him? Weren't bartenders supposed to stop their patrons from getting too drunk? God, he hoped he hadn't just spend all his money on booze, that would seriously suck.

He lifted his head and frowned at his reflection in the mirror, grimacing when he took in the mess that stared back at him. Eugh, he looked like shit. Had someone brought him home last night? Oh, maybe it had been Sakura? Nah, he would be sporting several bruises then. Maybe Yamato-sensei? That made sense. Perhaps he had stayed somewhere outside, standing guard, and had taken Naruto home after a while.

Nodding to himself and wincing when his headache spiked – of course now that fluffy dickhead of a demon decided not to heal him! – he stumbled towards the bathtub, thinking that a bath would help him feel better. When he went to lift up his shirt, his fingers brushed against a second type of cloth and he furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

Looking down, he spotted a bandage wrapped around his entire waist. What? He hadn't been injured that badly during his fight with Sasuke. Had he got hurt at the bar?

Perplexed he unwound the white bandage carefully, but there was no grisly looking wound or blood greeting him when the cloth dropped to the floor. No wound on his stomach or his sides, so why …

He twisted around and shuffled back to the mirror. Something on his back caught his attention and he used the mirror to look more carefully at it.

His mouth dropped open when he realised what he was staring at.

 _A tattoo._

A goddamn tattoo.

Not just any tattoo, oh no! He was staring at a red and white fan neatly inked right above his arse – the Uchiha clan symbol. And right there in the red part was written ' _Uchiha Sasuke_ '.

"SASUKE, YOU BASTARD!" Naruto screeched and several birds outside flew away in fright. "I'M GOING TO KILL YOU!"

* * *

Several miles away, the dark haired man smirked as he cleaned his katana carefully, the blade glinting in the faint morning light, imagining the look on that idiot's face when he would wake up and notice the new addition on his body.

"How's that for recognition, usuratonkachi?"

 **The End**

* * *

 **AN2: My mind is random, let's just keep it at that. I didn't have a clue what I was doing the whole time I wrote this LMAO I hope it at least made you smile a little bit!**

 **Please leave your thoughts behind in a review; should you spot any mistakes, please point them out to me.**

 **I hope to see you all back in my future stories!**

 **Cuddles**

 **Melissa**

 **P.S. For more information about my upcoming and posted stories, please visit my profile.**


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